Season of Desperation

Lately, I have noticed myself deeply desiring something to fulfill me. I have reached the point here in Indonesia of feeling often times lonely, lacking motivation and discipline. These feelings and emotions have driven me to seek fulfillment. I find myself online at Starbucks searching for something to entertain and bring enjoyment to my life. Something new and fulfilling. I am desperately thirsty, yet it seems like nothing quenches my thirst.

It is at this very point that God has begun to work in my heart. I know that His word alone will sustain me, yet I run to the internet, future travel ideas, and movies to preoccupy my thoughts. What I have found is that these attempts to seek fulfillment exceedingly drain the life and hope from my heart, soul and mind. As I find myself digging into God's word more and more I find sustenance, I find joy, I find encouragement, I find peace, I find truth and I find life.

These two verses in particular God has been using to speak into my life:

Romans 3:11, There are none that understand, and none that seek God.

It is God who seeks us. It is the Holy Spirit that gives us understanding. As much as I may try to seek God, I fail in my attempts. My strength proves weak, frail and pathetic. Therefore, I pray that God continues to seek and pursue me, so that I may be compelled with great passion to desperately know Him.

James 4:8, Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.

In correspondence, I pray that I may draw near to You, Lord, so that You will draw near to me. Stir within me the desire, desperation and craving to know Your Word, to know Truth. It is here that I find satisfaction and sustenance for life. As God draws near to me through reading His word, I find myself completely satisfied.

I hope that these verses and thoughts encourage, motivate and compel you in the deepest of ways. I hope these passages of scripture pierce your hearts, as they have so relentlessly pierced mine. God's Word is powerful!

An Image

What is in an image? A memory? Or, perhaps, a thought? If an image were to be broken down to the finest strokes of its existence, would we understand it? Or, would the vast intricacies perplex and distort the perfection of the image. It might be that we become so preoccupied with solving the mystery of the image that we entirely lose sight of its intended purpose. Nonetheless, others may not care enough about the image to even appreciate it. Does than the value and purpose of the image, memory or thought become insignificant?

Whether we acknowledge it or not, our minds are imprisoned by these images, memories and thoughts. The emotions induced by the images and scenes leave us captivated and enamored, yet perpetually discontent. As soon as gratification abounds, it abandons us into a pool of unforgiving emotions. Although remnants of that gratification become instilled within the memoirs of the mind, nothing again will ever equally replicate the now fragmented sentiments. Will the images ever make sense? Do they have meaning? Or, are we perpetually inundating our minds with habitual hopes to comprehend what was never intended to be revealed?

Stop Believing the Lies

Would if we could all stop believing the lies that Satan has embedded in our minds? Would if we could realize the greatness in capacity that we have inherited in Christ? Would if we began to live out the Truth that "anything is possible with Christ"? Instead, we continue to allow the lies of this world to taunt and blockade us from triumph. We have been given the arsenal to conquer the world, yet we leave it in our homes. I hope that more and more people will begin to see the greatest in who they are. We are dead to ourselves. "It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me". Once we begin to live this out the world will be in a lot of trouble. Fellow believers, we are not limited by ourselves, we are not limited by this world, but we are conquerors of this world. don't believe the lie that you can't, just walk in Faith and Spirit. God will prove faithful.

After One Month

It has been just about a month since I walked through the gates at the airport fearful of the next two years of my life. I can honestly say that walking through those gates was probably one of the most intimidating and terrifying experiences. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Looking behind me and seeing the love of my parents and brother standing behind me at the airport evoked emotions that I was not ready for. What the hell am I doing? I honestly thought, well I could turn around right now and everything will be okay. My parents will understand and I’ll find something else. However, my heart didn’t allow it. Honestly, my mind had already run back to my family, but my heart would not allow my feet to turn back.

Thankfully I serve a God that provides. After a month here I know in my heart that this is where God wants me. It has been an incredible journey thus far in teaching and exploration. I’m excited for upcoming trips including white water rafting, hiking volcanoes and swimming under water falls. I have fallen in love with many of my students, and I know this is only the beginning. I have the privilege to play basketball and futsal (indoor soccer) with them every week, which has been a blast. I am the god of basketball even though my skills are just above suck. I have also been practicing the language quite a lot in my free time, so I hope to be fluent here next week, haha, soon hopefully. This week I finally received my awaited motorbike (vespa), which was a huge blessing. I know have the ability to go wherever I want on my own time. I have had recent trips to the local Starbucks to read and write. This has definitely been rewarding to me psychologically. It feels good to finally start feeling settled in here.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers!

Daily Bread

“Our Father in Heaven,

Hallowed be thy name.

Your Kingdom come.

Your will be done,

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us today our daily bread.

And forgive us our debts,

As we also have forgiven our debtors,

And lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from the evil one.

For Yours is the Kingdom and the power

And the glory forever. Amen.”

Matthew 6:9-13

I have found myself continually going back to the Lord’s Prayer for strength. It begins with the proclamation of giving praise to our Father in heaven, and further concludes declaring glory to His name. The beauty of its poetical nature inspires the hearts of its readers. However, one particular line in this prayer has been persistently in the back of my head, “Lord, today give me my daily bread. That is all that I am in need of.” As I found myself repeatedly going back to this line in my prayer life I began to realize that I really did not know what I was praying for. Yes, this passage has a literal meaning of the simplicities of life, but there is so much more that I had not allowed myself to focus on. Our Lord Jesus Christ is our daily bread. He is the bread of life. As my mind began to reinterpret the verse once again I found joy in knowing I had my daily bread. I have all that I need. No matter the circumstance, Christ reigns in my heart, mind and soul. Praise be to our Father in Heaven, for He is good.

My first few days here in Indonesia have been filled with a mix of emotions. The excitement of adventure, the distance of between loved ones and learning how to teach my student continually keeps my mind rampant. The school that I am teaching at is a joy to be at. Although it is hard to communicate and be on the same page at times, I enjoy the people very much. I have not yet begun my teaching. However, I have been to all my classes and met all of the students. I have already fallen in love with many of them, but some seem to be quite the handful. The people that I work with are also a joy to get to know and work with. Some of my favorite times have been just walking around the school. The students are always so excited to see me in the hall and greet me with a big smile saying, “Hello Mr. David”. They are a lot of fun. It makes me smile just thinking of them. I am a bit intimidated to begin my first week of teaching, but the more and more I begin lesson planning the more comfortable I get. It will just take some time to get acquainted with the new position.

I have been keeping busy outside of the school as well. Almost every day so far I have been to the mall to shop, eat and hang out. The malls here are huge. One mall will contain a very wealthy section, middle class and lower class shops. It is very interesting to walk through the mall. It seems there is always something new and intriguing. I also attended a church this past Sunday and a small group that is connected with the church on Monday. They were very refreshing. The church is an English speaking church and ran much like a church you would find in the OC. It is definitely an incredible blessing to have such support while I am here.

I live in a two bedroom house in the district called Citraland. This district is known as the nicest and wealthiest district in Surabaya. It is referred to as the Singapore of Surabaya. My house is very small and humble, but there are many homes around me that are huge and beautiful. It is a fun neighborhood to be in. Everyone here travels around on small motorbikes. I have been riding on the back of my friend Crystals when we go to the mall and such, but in two weeks I will have my own to ride around. I am super excited for that.

Thoughts Before Departure

With days before my departure to Indonesia I can't help but experience copious pools of emotions. Thoughts seem to flood my mind with persistence. The other night I lay awake with nervousness and anxiety of what I was getting myself into. 2 years! I'm moving to another country that I have never been to for the next two years of my life. Not only that, but I am suppose to teach these children English. I don't have much experience with teaching. How am I suppose to just waltz in there and begin teaching these children with confidence and competency. These thoughts continued to invade and infect my mind with despondent sentiments.

As I began to blockade and divert my mind from spiraling into these pools of emotions, the Holy Spirit began to convict me of where God has taken me through this current season of life...

In this season, God has open an entirely new paradigm and lens of what defines faith. For many, faith is a term of ambiguity and abstraction. We are frustrated at the concept or (cop-out) of "you just need to have more faith". This just doesn't settle right for the majority, and I believe there is a reason why this is so. Faith is not some abstract or ambiguous concept awaiting its intricacies and complexities to be solved. More importantly, faith is our Identity.

Let's think back to the stories of faith that have become posters of faith inscribed throughout the Old Testament. The epic stories of "David and Goliath", Shadarach, Meschack, and Abendego", Daniel, and many others. We have defined these stories over the centuries as having exemplary faith experiential moments. Yes, these men and women of God have decided to act out in faith in trusting their Father in heaven to be there protector, provider, and stronghold. If we were to look deeper into these incredible stories of faith we would find the true meaning and definition of what faith is. Their faith was not just an action, it was their IDENTITY. You see, When David walked up to Goliath David knew that there was not an ounce of talent/strength in him that could take down this giant. This was an obvious unequivocal truth to David. However, David knew that he was no longer identified in himself. Yes, David was identified in the God Most High. This is where his entire identity rested. In this knowledge, David knew that God would prevail in any circumstance. As we look throughout the faith stories of the Old and New Testaments it is this very concept of faith/identity that we begin to see.

Correspondingly, we look to the New Testament and find this very theme of faith. "It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me, And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galations 2:20). This is our very identity. We need to wake up and realize this incredible life-changing reality, that we no longer live, but Christ lives inside of our very body. We live, move and breath through Christ and in Christ. Unavoidably, this is who we are. We simply need to realize this.

As I lay there the Holy Spirit had shook me to the core. I had forgotten my identity. How can I be afraid of failure and my insecurities when it is no longer I who live? Christ lives in me, and with this knowledge I know that God will guide my footsteps into where I need to go and what needs to be done. Ultimately, I am a tool in the toolbox of God's gloriously magnificent Kingdom reigning/coming here on/to earth.

Thanks be to God. May His glory be revealed through His children.

The Dreamer

I’m a dreamer living in a dreamland

Reality is a train wreck, leaving only fragmented images behind

Forming what seems to be a convoluted puzzle,

The pieces lost in the vast emptiness of the mind

It’s half passed 3 A.M., yet a man in a black suit illustrates the scene

Cacophonies scream in a dampened alleyway

I’m left with no light, the blackness contains me

The painted dreamland is drowning away the distress of a broken world.

Flooded, the paint drips from the scene,

Effacing tattered hearts and obscene reflections of darkness

Days become a blur within the contraption of my mind

Eccentrically exhilarated thoughts become illustrated images

Painted within the mind’s apparatus

Transcending me into a muddled delirium,

Inundated by nostalgic sorrows

The mind is forever inspired by the dreamland,

Perpetually anticipating the revelation of the painter of the dreams

A New Season Awaits

It has been a very reminiscent season as I enter into life's next endeavors. As teaching in Indonesia awaits me, I can't help but recollect where I have been the past years of my life. To think that my Undergrad career has come and gone bewilders me. My time spent at Vanguard holds some of my most cherished memories. I could not have been happier with the education that I have received, the friends I have acquired, the numerous conversations about life, and the many adventures that took place. Although I am nervous of my future in Indonesia and plans to come, I am constantly reminded of my identity in where I come from. All of these memories have come to not only be cherished, but identify the very person that I have become. In the knowledge of this, i can rest in the confidence of who I am and where God will choose to take me. As Vanguard as my stepping stone into the future, I grow only more confident in what will come. This is something to praise the Lord for!

Living Among Brothers and Sisters in Christ

What does it mean to be brothers and sisters in Christ? Throughout the New Testament the Church is continually revealed as a body of believers, labeled as brothers and sisters in Christ, called to keep one another accountable, with the immediate desire to push forward the Kingdom of God. This theme becomes increasingly prominent in the book of Acts. With this as our identity, how now shall we live?

More specifically, the concept of accountability has been significantly impeding my thoughts. According to the scriptures what does this mean? Easy enough put, one may say simply: coming along side someone when you know that what they are doing is not in line with what the Word of God preaches. Sure, this may read well and sound good on paper, but when it comes down to it, accountability becomes incredibly complex. An satisfyingly adequate definition for "accountability" is lost between emotion and words. Now, here is where my mind has been for the past month.

I am a firm believer in "let your convictions be your own". Let me explain. Don't worry I'm not a relativist. In the least I hope to be thoughtful on the topic. "Let your convictions be your own" simply refers to the notion that each individual has their own intimate and personal testimony. With this in mind, inevitably, each individual has encountered different experiences including: their culture, family habits, traumatic experiences, etc. As our culture and personal testimonies interpret the world around us we begin to create a moral compass. As a Christian believer, I firmly attest to the Law of human nature (a shared morality across all cultures attributed to a God). Although there is a shared core morality across cultures, for instance, Killing another human is not "good", every individual will distinctly interpret their own individual moral compass against minor moral questions, such as, drinking heavily or smoking marijuana. The latter would be considered a minor moral question because the choice of whether or not to partake does not immediately effect another human being, although it might.

How do we decide then, when accountability should take place. Well, here is what my mind has developed over the past month, while conversing with a couple friends. Accountability is intrinsic to the Christian life. Intrinsic meaning essential and innate to a bodily make-up. Accountability becomes intrinsic to our being the moment that the Holy Spirit penetrates our hearts. It is the Holy Spirit that guides and convicts our hearts daily. Most importantly, it is the Spirit that invokes our hearts to desire community in the Kingdom of God, and this is where accountability takes place. This is beginning to sound like a bunch of "Christianize" I know, but here me out.

As the Holy Spirit guides and convicts the individuals living in community with one another a reaction takes place. Accountability can only take place when two or more people desire to approach one another in a vulnerable, humble, and committed environment. This, and only this, is where the Holy Spirit begins to work. Again, I firmly attribute the conviction to live in accountability with one another to the Holy Spirit. As we live in desire to live in correspondence to the Kingdom of God, living out Christ centered lives, we inevitably become destined to live lives of accountability. You and I cannot be responsible for those who chose to disregard the Kingdom of God, when the Kingdom of God is at the core of the Christian life. Judgement does not need to be placed here, but ultimately we simply need to live our lives in desperation for Christ's Kingdom, being like Christ to a dieing world. This is what we have been called to stand up against. Stand strong and encourage one another in the faith.

Life...

It has been quite the interesting journey throughout my senior year here at Vanguard University. Growth in establishing my identity in Christ and in my own individual self has been the overarching theme that has brought me to a place of pure joy. At times this year I have felt that I had lost my identity. I felt as though I no longer knew who I was. Trapped in a world of confusion and chaos I felt as though I was drowning and could not reach the surface for a breath of air. This season brought me to the immediate reality of a broken world. I no longer understood anything and everything. Everything became incredibly ambiguous and equivocal. Nothing made sense. This has definitely not been the greatest season of life. Here I am on the brink of graduation from Undergrad and I was petrified of what the world look like. Everything I knew and dreamed of seemed beyond realistic terms, so I began to give up the dreams i had gathered in my time here at Vanguard. I was broken, lost and trapped in a world I knew nothing of.

Although this season has been hard and unbearable emotionally at times, I now stand overjoyed in triumphant victory. I noticed that I had begun to look so far into the future that I was unable to live life day to day. It was this realization that guided my heart to prayer. Every morning I began with a time of prayer that simply confessed to weakness and brokenness, desperate for the strength to get through the day. Slowly I began to see my heart changed. My heart and mind began to fixate upon the here and now excited for the next moment. I have been privileged and blessed by God throughout my life, what makes me think that now God would hand me over to complete destruction. God is faithful. This was something that penetrated every thought that I had had about depression.

Genuine conversations with great friends has tangible encouragement from God, while being inspired by the world around. Another form of inspiration has been through the films. Recent films including Soul Surfer, I Am Number Four, and another random film that I forgot the name of have all expressed some form of inspiration. With an enamored heart I set forth into the world, exhilarated for the future and with the knowledge of success. Although I may fall at times, I will get back up and continue running the race of life. God is good and faithful!

An Illustration of Restoration

An Illustration of Restoration

April proves to be the cruelest month

The dreary skies compliment the sentiments eroding a tattered heart

Leaving diluted metaphors interpreted through the poet’s voice

A mist awakens covering the moonlit sky, depicting a scene of weariness

Time slows… to the progression of the unsettled clouds

Guided by the cadenced patterns of the wind

A young lad sits, swaying to and fro on the porch swing

A downcast heart saddens the tempo of the composition being played,

It’s begun to resonate, unmistakably harmonized

As if composed by the master artist himself, so tenderly woven into time

Crafted with a thread of serenity that has proven to sooth the melody

The talent of the master artist overwhelms the scene, yet his voice remains unheard…unspoken

As the young lad persists…swinging, back and forth on the porch swing

The storyteller once said, that there were no unhappy endings

Every narrative ever told encloses a symbol of goodness, something that’s meant to be heard

The narrator dictates the story into existence, claiming his mastery over the scene

Along with it, he carries our hearts, our minds … and our souls

We’re lost in a reverie, far beyond our thoughts intentions

Unknowingly attached to an ideal principle of reality,

Obscured by the risen ashes of the volcano

Blurring the normality of a bent world

Natural tendencies collide with the idyllic habits of the storyteller

The avalanche is closing in, with every intention to deconstruct the minds of a world troubled

Inhabited by the sleep-walkers…caught in their dismal like trance

A legend of old tells of a divine storyteller, one bound by nothing but himself

The words emanated from His mouth create a lasting impression

Upon a race that is raped by egotism, left with broken pieces of glass that once formed an identity

Now tended by the glass-maker,

Positioning each piece gently into the oven, to be refined by the fire

Left in its transparency before the maker

Time has consumed all that once was, like a cataract engulfs the water below

The dullest moments in life leave us with something to reminisce

As if a picture had been painted in the memory, scene after scene

The images remain untouched, guarded by time itself

As the memoirs linger in the mind, newness deadens what has been left behind

Like the wildflowers in their blossom out of the blackness of the field

An illustration of restoration