Predestination and Free Will

Predestination and Free Will

            In recent years, the topic of predestination and free will has weighed heavy on my heart. I have watched families and friends that I love rise in dispute and frustration, while not accepting one another’s theological disposition. I have witnessed the Church suffer immensely, due to this continuously disputed topic in theology. Needless to say, my heart is broken, as I witness theology tearing apart the Church.  Was not theology intended to build up the Church? Jesus prayed in John 17 that we, the Church, may be one, just as the Father and the Son are one, and that we may be one in Them.

            I was raised in a home that tended to communicate the faith through a theology that promoted free will; however, it was never explicitly conveyed to me in such a way.  The Church I was raised in also promoted a free will interpretation of the faith.  As I continued on to study theology at the university level, again, I discovered a theology presented through a lens in support of free will. In my freshmen year of college, I discovered that my home church was going through a division.  Regrettably, this was due to a disagreement between the doctrines of predestination and free will.  My youth pastor, who had intended on stepping into the lead pastor role of the church, discovered that his theology did not align with what the church had been established with.  As the church body began to split between the two persuasions, the church divided, while many families and friends allowed themselves to be left angered with one another. 

            During this time, I decided to take a journey of discovery and discernment of the two persuasions.  After all, I came to the realization that I was easily convinced by both Calvin’s and Armenian’s arguments.  As I read copious books and articles, ranging from Hyper Conservative Calvinism to very Liberal Armenianism, again, I found myself jumping back and forth from persuasion to persuasion. This aggravated me.  I could not be convinced. 

            I will begin with a brief interpretation of Calvinism. “TULIP”, Calvin’s systematic attempt to unpack Predestination forms what could be easily understood as a very logical and reason based disposition[1].  He claims that we are totally deprived, which basically means we do not have the ability to choose God; therefore, we have been Unconditionally Elected, or simply, we have been chosen by God to enter Salvation.  In following, sense we have been chosen, there is Limited Atonement, which means Jesus really only had to die for those that God had chosen. Fourthly, those that have been chosen experience an Irresistible Grace through the Holy Spirit, which cannot of course be denied, because it speaks truth to a otherwise broken soul; therefore, there is a Perseverance of the Saints, which means that once an individual is saved, he/she will remain saved, there is no walking away from the faith.

            Logically, it makes sense right? And, whether you choose to believe so, or not, this argument can be easily backed by scripture. However, in the same, my heart does not rest well in this knowledge.  Jesus only died for those who were “CHOSEN” by God?  Seriously? Do you really expect me to believe in a God that would create people, with the knowledge, that He was writing their death sentence to eternity?  Even further, that He has the audacity to choose who gets to spend eternity in paradise? I mean come on, seriously? This is a pretty sad God that the Bible seems to promote. In all honesty, this “god” has no worth to me. He is merely a God reduced to theological persuasion. However, coincidently, we can hear the Calvinists screaming back at us, “But you just don’t understand, because you are deprived.  Is it not simply beautiful that while all mankind has been convicted of the death sentence, God decided to reach down and save the few.”  Interesting point, but as much as I appreciate your logic, there still remains an unsettling tone that does not capture the God of the Bible.

            Moving along to the persuasion of Free Will, we find another well thought out and reason based argument that seems to convey truth[2].  Armenian begins by asserting that we are indeed deprived, yet this does not prevent us from the power to choose Divine Grace, we have the Free Will to do so.  In so having the free will to choose grace, there is in part a Conditional Election that takes place, which implies that God does not have his hands in choosing those who are saved and not saved, salvation is left for us to choose, and it is readily available to us.  Therefore, there is Universal Atonement.  Jesus was sent to the earth to die for all of humanity, to pay for the sins of all, so that whosoever chooses to believe in Him would have everlasting life with the Father in Heaven.  With this knowledge, it would make sense that grace is resistible, meaning that we have the free will to choose grace or not to.  Lastly, Armenian’s theology would conclude with the point that we can indeed Fall from Grace, or that we can, if we so desire, choose to walk away from the grace that he/she once knew.

            Of course! Here is the logic that I was waiting for! Again, I find myself throwing two thumbs up, as my mind is logically persuaded in this well-delivered argument.  Is this not a beautiful picture? Jesus died for all of humanity. We all have the choice to accept His truth, so that we may have eternal life with the Father. This is truly, “good news”. However, where is God in all of it?  Did God merely, plan out an opportunity for us to know Him, while stepping back to watch?  While if we decide to choose Him, than He will step into the picture? So, you’re telling me that the God of the Universe, whom sent His Son to die on the cross out of His unconditional love for us, has decided to now sit and watch us choose salvation? This does not sit well with me. In my state of fallen depravity, as I have come to realize, how can I choose to serve the Holy and Living God on my own accord?  Wait, I have to leave everything to follow you God? Everything? Well, as great as that sounds God, I think I’ll take a rain check. I’m not interested. Right now, I have all this other stuff to manage.

              Again, whether you choose to agree, or not, this argument can very well be solidified by the backing of scripture. Nonetheless, I am again left dissatisfied as I continue to wrestle with this theological persuasion of how God works out Salvation.  I regret that this theology may also be convicted of the same crime: reducing God to the powers of persuasion. 

It is not my hope to adequately articulate how God works out salvation in this broken world.  However, I do know that He does, and it is good.  As I continued to wrestle with these two theological agendas I find myself more and more uncomfortable with either persuasion. Each lack what the other gives. Even further, each of the two arguments have withheld the test of scripture throughout history, which is precisely why the two theologies still remain in discussion today.   Tell me, do I need to settle on one side or the other? Shall I create my own theology to disprove the rest? No, and no.  Again, I would only allow my mind to be hypnotized by the power of persuasion. We should not hope to reduce the Living God to the confines of human discourse and persuasion.  It is not my intent to completely discredit logic, but while logic may be a helpful tool, it cannot conjure a sufficient definition of the God who spoke the world into existence.   

            For the sake of communicating the gospel and to engage in healthy theological discussion, I proceed further in expressing where I have come to rest in the knowledge of how God works out Salvation.  If I may provide for you a disclaimer, that in so doing, I humbly regret, that in some way or form, I reduce the Living God to a form of persuasion.

However, I hope to emphasize the mystery of How God is at work in the world.

            I believe there is middle ground here.  As both sides become easily polarized, while coincidently, being strongly rooted in scripture; it only makes sense that both contain within themselves some form of truth. After all, who am I to say that I have obtained the knowledge to adequately articulate who God is?  I am not willing to do that.  I do not have a word or phrase that will provide any logical argument that will suit our craving to know, because God is in Himself, and is a mystery. I chose the term mystery, so that I may humbly admit that I do not know how the God of the universe works out the entirety of Salvation.  However, I know that He does.  He did send His Son to die on the cross for humanity, which means that Salvation is made available, but apart from that knowledge God is mysteriously working in the world that HE spoke into existence.

Further Reflections I have encountered…

Disclaimer: I do not promote that I have discovered the truth in the problem that these two arguments present.  I, also, do not believe that such an answer is made readily available if we hope to rely upon logic, reason and persuasion. I merely proceed forth acknowledging the mystery of how God works, while hoping to evoke concepts of truth that may aid our understanding in the desire to know who and how God works.

God created time[3].  In fact, He spoke the concept into being.  Therefore, God remains outside of time. If God were to be bound within the constraints of time, subsequently, God would be limited to the mere historical knowledge attainable by man.  In Jeremiah 1:5, God expresses that even before Jeremiah was born, He knew him and set him apart as a prophet. If the God of the Universe was bound by time, how does He come up with a statement like this?  If we understand the scriptures to be the infallible Word of God, subsequently, we must admit that God remains outside of time[4].  Therefore, as we commit to God being outside of time, withholding knowledge of the future, the terminology of “set apart, chosen, ordained, and called” must be reinterpreted through this lens.

It is not my intent to strip words of their definitions; however, it is my hope that we do not allow our concept of God to be limited by language. Language was intended to be a tool used to communicate. However, language does not have the ability, nor the capacity within itself to adequately define an object, thought, or emotion. It is merely an aid to our understanding and desire to communicate. Think for a second.  Is it possible for another individual to capture a thought/idea that has originated within your own mind? Through the usage of language as a tool, an individual has the ability to grasp a form of that thought/idea; however, the thought/idea becomes fragmented through language, because it loses your emotion, motive and desire for it. Nevertheless, language can often distract our ability to comprehend, more than it might perhaps aid.

The language of being “Chosen and Set Apart” speaks a beautiful truth.  It carries the emphasis that God has laid claim on His people, He is dedicated and passionate for His people, and He cares not only for the entirety of His people, but for each individual. How incredible is that?  To worship the living God in the knowledge of being Chosen is a beautiful and wonderful thing, and humbling at that.  

It has become increasingly evident that I am, in fact, deprived, while unable to work out my own Salvation.  Paul claimed to the Church at Phillipi, “For it is God who is working in you, enabling you both to desire and to work out His good purpose”.  According to Paul, as it is written in the Holy Scriptures, the realization of the ability to even desire to do His good purpose comes directly from Him, in His Spirit, through the power of His Son. Again, how magnificent is it that God continues to work among us, so that we may carry out His good purpose.

In coincidence to the realization of God directly working in our lives, while carrying out our salvation for His good purpose, it is necessary that we do not forget the gift of free will that has been bestowed upon mankind. In the wonder and beauty of His magnificent creation, God decided that His creation would not be complete without gifting man with the will to choose. Unfortunately, the outcome of this didn’t turn out so well, as Adam and Eve decided to choose against God’s will[5]. However, providentially, God had a plan.  In God’s omniscience, He knew the course that His creation would take.  Subsequently, He provided the answer that would reunite mankind with Him, as we have come to know in His Son[6]. 

Are we predetermined by God if we will be saved? In some form, or way, in accordance to scripture it seems as though we are.  How God “determines” remains a mystery to me.  Has mankind been handed the gift of free will? Yes, indeed we have, as we have seen beginning in the Garden of Eden, and further carried out throughout Salvation History.  It seems as though a paradox has arisen. Is this unsettling to me? In some ways, yes, but I must admit that this is due to my humanity.  I am subject to the craving of knowledge through reason and logic.  However, God defines Himself.  As the theologian N.T. writes confesses, “The Gospel, is a power that has been let loose in the world, and cannot be reduced to any form of persuasion, or conviction of the messenger”.[7]  Therefore, even through my desire to know how God works, I must find rest in the mystery of His salvation. I fear that if I do not accept His mystery, I will inevitably reduce the living God to systematic and logic-filled theology[8].

Have you ever stopped to wonder about the disciple’s journey to faith?  In Mark 1:17-20, we find that Simon, Andrew and James had an immediate reaction to the call of Jesus to follow Him.  Jesus said, “Come, follow me”, and they went!  What?!  So a man named Jesus walks by, (and while they may have had some knowledge of who Jesus was, this was never mentioned) and he decides asks these men to follow Him? I’m sorry, but if some random guy, or even, a supposed miracle worker walks by and says, “Follow me”, I’d definitely have a few questions to ask him. So, why did they simply abandon everything? They walked away from their livelihood, their family and their inheritance. Seriously? Are they insane? They must have been.  Or, perhaps, maybe there is something else going on here. Maybe a “power has been let loose” (Holy Spirit) and they had no other choice but to follow Jesus. For some odd reason to them, it just made sense.

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[1] Scripture references for Predestination:

Job 14:1-5, Psalm 65:4, Psalm 130:13, Proverbs 16:33, Isaiah 14:24-26, Isaiah 46:8-9, Luke 22:20, Acts 2:22, Acts 4:27, Acts 13:48, Roms 8:28, Ephesians 1:1-14, Ephesians 2:10

[2] Scripture references for Free Will:

Proverbs 12:24, Joshua 24:15, Luke 13:3, John 3:16, John, 7:17, John 8:24, John 8:32,  Acts 2:38, Romans 13:2, Ephesians 2:2, Ephesians 2:8-9, 2 Thessalonians  1:8

[3] Genesis 1:1-5

[4] Jeremiah 1:5, Psalm 139, Colossians 1:15-17, 2 Timothy 1:9, Titus 1:2, Revelation 20, Revelation 21

[5] Genesis 3:1-7

[6] John 1:1-18, Colossians 1:15-20, Old Testament Prophecies of the coming of the Messiah

[7] N.T. Wright, Commentary on Colossians

[8] It is not my intent to discredit logic, reason and systematic based theology. However, I do hope to emphasize that these are merely tools to obtain knowledge, so they hold great significance as we seek to know God. Nevertheless, if we begin to rely entirely upon these tools to define the Creator, Himself, we are at a loss. The tools of a carpenter cannot build the carpenter, himself.

An Angel

This past year I had the privilege of teaching English abroad at a private institution in Surabaya, Indonesia.  It was one of the most incredible and fantastic, yet most challenging and growing experiences of my life. Needless to say, living abroad in a new culture, while being away from those we love, can be a very draining experience.

After living in Indonesia for about three months, it seemed as though every frustration, insecurity and discomfort that I had continued to bury imploded through a series of events.  I awoke that morning with a fever and a sore throat. So, of course, I had already anticipated an exhaustive day ahead.  When I showed up to work in the morning, I found that my computer would no longer turn on. My lesson plans, communication device and research capability were all lost in an instant.  It happened to be on this day that I was supposed to contact my mother in the morning, so that I would be able to get the information I needed to transfer money to the states. Needless to say, this wasn’t going to happen. Nevertheless, I pushed through the rest of the work day, sore attitude and all, moving from classroom to classroom. 

When I thought that the struggles of the day had begun to settle with the ending of the school day, I arrived home to find that the charger for my Iphone had decided to stop working.  In my frustration, I chucked the charger across the room at the couch. Soft landing right?  No, it went right through the pillows of the couch and shattered on the wall.  In one day, I had lost all ability to communicate with those I love. On this day God, really?  I have never felt so alone. All I wanted was the comfort of my father’s voice, or the warm embrace of my mother’s arms. I was alone, and with no one to express my sorrows to.  With the intent to distract myself from my lonesomeness, I decided to ride to the mall, so that I could be surrounded by people. It didn’t work.  In being surrounded by so many people, unable to communicate, the awareness of being alone grew ever worse. As I distressingly carried myself into the grocery store, I heard a quiet voice from ahead, “Hey, Mr. David!”  I slowly gathered myself to see who it was that had greeted me. It was one of my students.  Her name was Angel. And with the biggest grin on her face, she was waving at me from the child’s play place.  I assure you, before that moment, I had never witnessed such sheer joy.  Suddenly, it was as if all my worries and frustrations had simply vanished. God had used this little 2^nd grader, to teach me of knowing joy in the simplicity of life.  I was reminded that day that God is always at work. Even in the smallest of things, God is with Us.

Critique on Nietzsche

Nietzsche makes an interesting metaphor and parallel to our own ability to obtain knowledge (epistemology) and further, how we come to interpret the world around us. Nietzsche uses the artist as an example. The artist paints his masterpiece desiring to relay to his audience an interpretation of reality. Whether this be literal or metaphorical, most importantly the painter is trying to relay a specific interpretative representation of reality. As the painter attempts to capture reality in his painting inevitably he falls short of the magnificence that reality is. Unfortunately, the intrinsic beauty and aesthetic sensation of reality cannot be appropriately captured in a painting. In the same way, Nietzsche expresses that we "onlookers" of reality attempt to interpret reality through the methodology of language and words. Nietzsche argues that the same concept of interpretation is occurring here. Personally, I found that Nietzsche was on to something. However, his conclusion seems to be a bit misguided and arbitrary.

Nietzsche concludes that the humanity has the incapacity and inability to interpret reality as it actually is. Each individuals lens is skewed, inevitably manipulated by conditioned interpretive habit, which coerces us to falsely capture reality in thought. This is where Nietzsche's nihilism is birthed. If no human can adequately interpret and appropriately define reality, then there must in fact be no truths. Again, Nietzsche is definitely on to something, however, he seems to miss an important facet of his metaphor.

Let's go back to Nietzsche's metaphor, and approach it through a biblically informed lens. T.S. Eliot beautifully interprets the outcome of "the fall" according to the Genesis account expressing, "you cannot say, or guess, for you know only a heap of broken images" (The Wasteland). Eliot appropriately articulates mankind's inability to adequately comprehend the world around them.  We are interpreting the world through "broken images", Eliot insists. If God created the world, therefore, the world is inevitably objectively beautified understood in some way or form.  Although the world contains within itself this objective beauty in being made by a creator with intended purpose, humanity cannot attempt to truly grasp the "trueness" of its intended beauty. Again, in accepting the persuasion of "the fall", according to Christian theology, humanity is broken.  In being broken, we can only see and interpret the world around us through a broken lens.
          So, Nietzsche was on the right track. However, he seems to have failed to observe the basic premise of his argument when delivering his metaphor to his readers. The painter painted. The Creator created. We cannot see the beauty of the original scene, which the painter had painted. We cannot see the magnificent beauty that God created in the world. We can only see through our measly distorted and broken interpretations of reality.

The Pit

Have you ever had that overwhelming feeling that the world seemed to carry on, while leaving you behind to drown away into a pit of insecurities? I have a vivid image of myself, shovel in hand, frantically digging my own pit of destruction. It’s quite odd, you know. I can see the light overhead, yet my mind stubbornly tells my tiresome arms to continue digging. The deeper I dig, the darker it gets. Soon enough, the pit has become so deep I begin to get the chills from the coolness of the soil. Again, I see the light overhead. The sun. I’m enticed by the knowledge of its warmth. Nevertheless, I continue to dig. Deeper and deeper the hole gets, yet with all of my arduous labor I am left exceedingly discontent. Why? Why do I continue this?

It’s as though I am blind, unable to see the light overhead. Therefore, unaware of the sun’s existence, its soothing warmth becomes meaningless to my restless heart. Why do I feel this way? I am not blind! I can see. I can see the light. I know of the sun’s warmth. Yet, my actions are as though I am solely controlled by darkness. Aggravated at my pathetic attempt to drown myself away into a pit of sorrows, I whirl the shovel around my head and release it into the soil that surrounds me. The shovel crashed into the soil with a booming thud, leaving a minor crevice, nearly a foot wide. I fall to the ground embracing the sentiments of distress and discontentment. The tears begin to flood. I’m broken. The darkness inhabits me. Fear. Sadness. Anger. Lonesomeness. They write my story. I’m forgotten.

Short Story

In Awaiting “The One”

I had it all planned out. The day that I would meet “the one”, as I might have said. In fact, it was as if I had convinced myself that God, Himself, had divinely bestowed upon me the wonderfully exhilarating scene that would, in time, come to pass. Needless to say, all I had to do now was patiently await the precise instant that the life-changing scene would occur.

I can vividly recollect on numerous occasions finding myself strolling around my college campus enamored with the overwhelming sentiments of joy and elation that had been aroused by this impending knowledge. It was as if I had been entranced, carrying on within the contraption of a daydream. Don’t worry though; this was no evil spell, or anything of the sort, that could have been conjured up by a witch. However, it was I who had willingly been entranced by the reverie, of which I had so elaborately constructed. You see, it gifted me an invigorating sense of hope and joy that soon awaited. For all I knew, I was destined any moment to cross paths with my long awaited love.

So there I was, strolling around campus on my way to Theology class. Following the cement path, I quickly turned the corner where the pathway meets the lawn, and boom, there she was. It was just as I had imagined. Suddenly, it was as if the reverie that I had been possessed with, was now playing out in real-time. I immediately slowed my pace. At that precise instant, I began to feel my heartbeat consciously pound at an exceedingly rapid pace, as if I had just been electrocuted with ten thousand volts of electricity.

I know, I know, ten thousand volts of electricity might be a little exaggerative, but hey, bear with me; I’m the one telling the story here.

So, there she was, casually sitting ever so elegantly up against a pleasant autumn tree. The sun’s luminance penetrated the branches in such a way that she was left radiantly portrayed, complimenting the captivating scene that she had been the culmination of. Tolstoy was right when he scripted his famous line, “He stepped down, trying not to look at her as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, without even looking”. In that moment, for me, it was this exact scene that Tolstoy had intended to capture with this intoxicating line. Her faultless beauty was truly enchanting.

As the exhilarating moment carried on, I had become desperately intuitive to every occurring thing. Like I had imagined, she was reading a book. The intensity of her devotion to her reading and the elegance at which she went about turning the page allured my heart. It was then that she began to smirk, revealing the cutest dimples that complimented her impeccably smooth complexion. Such a wondrously enchanting scene could not have been captured by any artist, novelist, nor poet the like. It was as if the entire world had been exceedingly fading away leaving only her and I to soon meet. Although she had not yet discovered me, the confidence of knowing the transpiring scene encouraged me to pursue her love.

Suddenly, her eyes evaded the pages of her book, while directly greeting my own. Her piercingly blue eyes instantaneously enamored a hope for love within my desperately pursuing heart. She than greeted our eyes union with a subtle smirk, that again revealed her ever so charming dimples. She was the one. She had to be. She was everything I could have hoped for. Light brown hair, piercing blue eyes the color of the Adriatic, not your typical Hollywood princess, but yet she captured a subtle cuteness that defined true beauty itself. In that precise moment, for me, it was as if our spirits had coalesced reciprocating the affection that I had increasingly discovered.

As I drew near, she continued in her reading, yet in the same, it seemed as though she was acknowledging my presence. Soon it came to the point of decision. Do I continue on due course to my scheduled theology class? Or, do I choose to pursue the hope of love that my reverie had provided me with? The dueling emotions overwhelmed my thoughts as I was left to meet my fate.

Reflection

The abrupt conclusion of this short story might leave its readers frustrated and discontent. However, I am here to say that this is the purpose of the story itself.

It might be appropriate for the reader to ask, “Why on earth would the author not finish such an enamoring story?” To the reader’s displeasure, the author would respond, “Why is it that I should finish such an inspiringly beautiful story?”

Allow me to explicate the intent of this particular story. In every person lies the desire and hope to one day fall desperately and madly in love with another person. We dream of and imagine the most splendidly thought out scene that will leave us forever entranced by love. Whether we acknowledge it or not, in some way or another each of us can resonate with this simple truth. We are captivated, yet perplexed by love. The hope of love entices our devotion, yet, in the same, evokes a fear of rejection.

Let me revert back to the frustrating conclusion to the story. Is not the conclusion the climax the reader had anticipated? The thrill and elation induced by the transpiring scene construes a feeling of hope and love for its reader. It is this precise moment that we all dream of and await for, because if we were to act upon our desire for love we run the risk of rejection, which inevitably fills our hearts with undulating trepidation. Although our hope for love is enamoring and exhilarating we soon allow the fear of rejection to weigh heavy on our decision to act. However, if we were to act upon our emotions we might be subsequently greeted by love.

In its conclusion, I venture to note that this anecdote captures with immensity the truthfulness of our attempt to know love. The transpired scene provides the reader with a sentiment of love imbued in their hearts, yet to be polluted by the fear of rejection and disinterest. Is this not a beautiful moment? Unfortunately, however, our minds and hearts are limited, while unable to understand love in its purest form, because of the infections produced by our fears and brokenness. Therefore, I am convinced that the purest form of love that we can experience is the immediate desire and hope for it.

This could also be correlated to our desperate attempt and desire to know God in the context of His perfect love. First, we must admit that we, ourselves, cannot fully grasp, nor comprehend the fullness of His magnificent love. Regrettably, we live and inhabit a broken and bent world. I believe T.S. Eliot captured this with immensity in his poem The Wasteland, “You cannot say, or guess, for you know only a heap of broken images”. Eliot was biblically convinced, due to the fall, that humanity has been subsequently blinded, as we can now only see through fragmented images. We may perhaps receive or grasp reflections of Truth, love in purity and flawless joy, however, we will never fully comprehend the immensity of these divine attributes due to our brokenness.

Therefore, I am convinced that love in its purest form remains in a perpetual state of hopefulness and intimate desire. In our present physical state, we lack the ability and capacity to experience such deeply regarded sentiments. Consequently, in our immediate interaction with the divinely inspired elements, we are instantaneously enamored, yet left perpetually discontent drowned in a puddle of fragmented emotions. We may be inspired by the gift of God’s love throughout numerous accounts in our life. However, we will inevitably ceaselessly crave and desire to know the immensity of God’s love in its eternal state.

Returning Home

As many of you have become aware, I have returned home from my stay in Surabaya, Indonesia. In my time there God has moved my heart insurmountably and opened my eyes to the filth that inhibits my ability to allow Christ to live through me.

As most of you know, my teaching contract was supposed to be for a 2 year period. However, through unfortunate circumstances God has brought me home. In a nutshell, the school that had hired me had employed me under illegal circumstances without making me aware. After a long process of uncovering the information that was being withheld from me, I brought my concerns to the school board and informed them of my resignation. Fortunately, God provided a level of understanding and mutual consent to my departing. Leaving Indonesia left me filled with mixed emotions that still preoccupy and haunt my mind today, and I presume will continue as God guides me through a process of healing and understanding.

In the four month span that I had the privilege and honor of sharing Indonesian life and culture God unraveled many inhibitions that prevented me from giving everything I am to living a Christ-filled life.

While my graduation from Vanguard University should have marked the commencing of an optimistic and promising future, my mind grew troubled with the academic loans that now lingered over my head causing a perpetual state of torment. As I allowed financial concerns to occupy and cloud my mind, it seemed that every decision I made became fixated upon this sole concern. Although it is essential to be financially aware and responsible, when we allow finances to dictate our lives we have given in to serving the god Mammon (god of money). This was a disheartening awakening to my heart. Needless to say, God has progressively freed me from this inundating burden that bedraggled my heart from fully being alive.

God has also revealed to me a joy and delight unlike no other. Before I had committed to Indonesia I was told that I would be teaching teenagers. However, a week before my departure I received the information that I would be teaching 2^nd and 3^rd graders. To be completely honest, yes, this change of age-group terrified me. I had grown comfortable with my skill-set to be able to teach the teenage level with ease of heart, but young children terrified me. I was unsure if I was capable of the patience and liveliness it took to entertain and manage a bunch of rambunctious little munchkins. To my reluctant surprise, I immediately fell in love with the children that were bestowed upon me. The simple excitement and sheer joy of each and every child enamored an undeniable and encouraging vigor that guided me through each day. The immensely overwhelming joy that enamors ones heart from the simple smile and acknowledgment with love given by a child is insurmountable and will be forever cherished.

Along with the few revelations that I have shared, I rest assured that God has eternally transformed my heart in desperation for His Kingdom. As the Creator of the Universe persistently reveals to me the calling that He has for me, I increasingly become overwhelmed by His impeccable sovereignty, undeniable grace and irrefutable love that He has for me.